2008: The Year of Surprise Buttsecks!

January

Surprise: ADT accidentally sets off all three alarms at the house. Police get involved. Robie gets involved. No one is hurt, but we are ultimately fined by the city and have to pay for an alarm license. Bastards! Bonus surprise: Health problems!

Lube: SINS OF THE SIRENS is released. Signings, interviews and reviews ensue.

February

Surprise: Writing for Hong Kong Disneyland eats my life. Incredibly annoying health problems continue.

Lube: The Late, Great Pirate Booty Leap Year Birthday Surprise.

March

Surprise: The World Horror Convention nearly kills me between extreme dehydration and food poisoning.

Lube: I become the proud mother of a baby iPhone. I start studying non-fiction writing with the amazing Rita Williams.

April

Surprise: The Frenchman is hit on the head by a midlife meteor. The resulting cranial wound makes him decide it’s time to drive a semi through the wall of his emotional zoo. He lets wild gorillas escape to piss on the cheese plate he calls his life — especially me. I am covered in gorilla pee. I barely refrain from killing him and try to coral his gorillas.

Lube: Two stories accepted for publication within a week of each other — “Though Thy Lips Are Pale” for DDIII and “In Her Mirrors, Dimly” for Unspeakable Horror: From the Shadows of the Closet.

May

Surprise: My friend and co-worker Jeff is killed in a motorcycle accident. The Frenchman reveals that he is, in fact, a narcissistic, egomaniacal, misogynistic ass. I DTMFA.

Lube: This portrait of me by my sweet Katelan. And the BEA. Also, tons of love from my friends and family.

June

Surprise: Major problems finding a new place to live. An apartment manager in NoHo promises me a place, then reneges and charges me a $525 holding fee anyway. The credit card company is called. Hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, the Frenchman earns the epithet of “French Balding Bastard Jackass” and I can no longer stand the sight of him. He moves out and runs off to Middlebury.

Lube: Hee hee!. Also, I find a great townhouse in a beautiful location and move in with the last-minute help of my fabulous friends Lisa and Ricky.

July

Surprise: I’m curled up like a pillbug from a world of hurt. I’m also so angry that I don’t just want to kill The Frenchman, but I want to go back in time and kill his mom before she gives birth to him.

Lube: The Fabulous Dresser. Dr. Horrible. The Dark Knight.

August

Surprise: I visit my parents and find Cairo in terrible health. I rescue him. My own health takes a nosedive and a specialists diagnoses me with a painful, chronic condition. (The year is just getting better and better!)

Lube: With the great tutelage of Rita, I finish and deliver the Massive Book Proposal to my agent. I have double teh kitteh lurv. Robie thinks Cairo is a chew toy. I visit the San Francisco Bay Area for my birthday and 10 days of much-needed fun.

September

Surprise: Cairo is diagnosed with diabetes — just 15 minutes before I go live on the air with the BBC in Venice Beach.

Lube: The Massive Book Proposal goes out to THE WHOLE WORLD. I see The Fly Opera with Keith and Faust. I do a two-hour show with the BBC. And Uncle Walt makes a very impressive offer of employment. I accept! I start going to the gym 3x a week. And my “chronic condition” disappears the same day the stock market crashes. Hmmm…

October

Surprise: Fires careen toward my town, but they’re stopped in time. I discover that The Frenchman was in a new relationship by the third week of September. I restrain all homocidal and vandalistic tendencies, but I torture him gratuitously in email. My computer chokes and vomits up every firewall and anti-virus software I feed it. Most of THE WHOLE WORLD passes on the book proposal.

Lube: Mickey Mouse! Wheee! And a night of absinthe. Photographic evidence that The Tart at Large is back! Woof!

November

Surprise: None! None surprise butt secks! Wooooooooo!

Lube: OBAMA! Also, I’m invited to pitch projects to Imagineering for Walt Disney World interactive attractions. And make/shift magazine buys a sleeker, slimmer version of my essay, “Dogma, Darth Vader and My Sexual Awakening.”

December

Surprise: Cairo’s tail explodes. Three tumors are removed in (almost) emergency surgery. I exacerbate an old rotator cuff injury. Pain is a drag. Kinda gettin’ tired of it.

Lube: Cairo’s surgery is successful. No cancer! Fun ensues on a two-hour interview with Talking Sex Radio. Still haven’t heard from a half dozen major publishers about the Massive Book Proposal…

Wishing everyone a 2009 filled with far less surprise butt secks and far more fabulous, lubricating goodness!

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