And now for something completely different.

A pain article is going around complaining about “hoverers” – that is, women who don’t sit directly on the toilet seat. Three years ago, I developed a life hack to far more easily use those flimsy, slippery toilet seat covers. I posted it to my Tumblr. Since then, both people who read my Tumblr have told me the technique has changed their lives. It has certainly improved my own public bathroom experience in a major way. Here it is, step-by-step.

Step 1

Place the toilet seat cover like this on the toilet, matching the seat shape. You’ll find that the paper stays pretty well if you haven’t tried to tear it open yet.

Step 2

Sit down and spread your knees just a bit. Now gently tug on the “tongue” just enough to break it. Keep a bit attached.

(This is what you should see between your legs as you’re sitting. Hey, now.)

Step 3

Pee. Poop. Make horrific straining noises. Open Satan’s sausage shop. Text on your phone. Talk loudly to your grandmother in Svalbard to entertain and unnerve your fellow employees. And then flush. You never have to touch the cover again. It disappears into the water.

DONE.

YOU’RE WELCOME.