We’ve got ourselves a Stab-and-Gagger here at Uncle Walt’s.

It started several months ago. Occasionally one would find one of the toilets full of someone’s semi-digested food. It happened infrequently enough that people mused about who was pregnant in the office. Since then, we’ve had a few pregnancies who have come and gone.

Yet the problem is getting worse. Much, much worse.

At least two or three times a week now, someone is depositing huge amounts of vomit in the toilets — usually the fourth stall, just before the disabled stall. At times, like today, you can’t walk in without gagging yourself. And if you stumble upon it, you’ll notice either bright blue, red or yellow bits in the mix. (I’ve never seen the red or yellow myself. Only the blue.)

One of my female colleagues reports that sometime last week she was applying makeup in front of the sink at the end of the day when someone entered briskly and slipped into the stall of choice for our S&G. They then proceeded to heave vociferously. Just as my colleague was thinking she’d stick it out and solve the mystery, the person plopped down on the seat and rained diarrhea. This sent everyone fleeing the bathroom who could possibly get out.

My fellow writers are a bit fixated on figuring out who it is. They squinch their eyes at anyone who looks the least bit gaunt. I confess that the suspicion wafts through me once in a while. But we’re all so damned neurotic, how could anyone possibly narrow this down without holding someone down and prying open their mouth to find teeth rotted by stomach acid?

In the mean time, I think I’ll be avoiding Stall #4 for a while…