I just want you all to know that I sat through Twilight.

I know some of y’all love this book/movie/Edward’s hair. But for me, it was two of the most painful hours of my existence watching the Bella character’s excruciatingly apathetic demeanor. She had no personality whatsoever, as far as I could tell. Her mortal high school friends were sweet and fun and likable, but I fucking wanted to punch her repeatedly for being so wooden. I don’t think this was the actor’s fault, but rather the director and/or the actual character. I mean, she had no talents, no personality, NOTHING. Is this what our young girls aspire to now? If I’m a fucking starched cotton sheet, the hottest boy in the school will want me? Seriously?

As for the film, there were huge holes in the story regarding Edward’s family and why the “kids” were perpetually in high school. And the excuse for why they can’t be in the sun was freaking lame. The worst part about the perpetual high school thing was that you and I both know we’d go Columbine having to be there one more year, much less decades. The whole setup for their unlives was poorly executed and made no sense whatsoever. And what is up with that stupid accent that Edward had? He never said anything that was “from another time.” He just sputtered occasionally in this inane accent that no one comments on. His brothers and sisters don’t have the stupid accent. Where does it come from?

I was hoping this would be at least watchable, even if it was saturated with teen romance. I’m totally willing to cut Meyers the slack and believe the book is much better at telling the story. The film, however, was a failure to tell that story — or any sensible story — on a lot of levels.

And there you have it.