A lot of people are reading an old post of mine called, “I’m Leaving Astrology. The Reasons Might Surprise You.” In that post, I talked about why I’d decided to stop using astrology for awhile, something that had always been a superpower for me. I’d noticed some challenging Saturn transits were coming, which were pumping me full of dread. I couldn’t think of or see anything but negative events passing or coming up. To my credit, I realized that, for my emotional well being, I had to stop looking at the future and start living in the present.
I’ve noticed that a number of people are finding that article via Google searches related to ways to convince other people not to believe in astrology. Honestly, like I said in the previous post, I could care less if people studied astrology or not. I’ve found it to be reliable and (mostly) reassuring for my own purposes.
This post is for those who are curious about what ensued after the blog post of August 15, 2013, as life took a tragic turn two days after I stopped looking at my chart. I want to share with people an idea of how I dealt with those events.
First, Saturn Kinda Sucks
Let’s first talk a little more about Saturn itself. Most people would say that Saturn transits really pretty much suck Donkey Kong. Let’s look at what Saturn transits can mean:
- Cutting back (“winnowing”)
- Death (and other endings)
You can see why this is the Debbie Downer planet, and why I’d be afraid of what it could do. In fact, it had twice accompanied devastating injuries. I figured it could happen again.
So, what about the “physical danger” transits I saw? Turns out, I had a scheduled surgery that September, but soon learned that another surgery I needed had been denied. It would be another year before I’d finally receive that approval. Everything eventually worked out, but at the time, it was tremendously frustrating. The two surgeries were connected. Delaying the second one played havoc with my life.
But there was little I could do about it at the time except take care of my health as best I could. I actually lost about 15 pounds working with a nutritionist, as well as beginning an exercise regime. Saturn’s hard work, discipline and “cutting back” all helped me improve my health while I was waiting for Surgery #2.
Two days after I published that blog post, my father died. I wrote about it on September 1, 2013.
Up until then, my dad had been sorta-kinda caring for Danielle, my severely disabled sister. My dad actually hadn’t been able to properly care for her since my mother died, and both of them had lied to keep her off the grid, as it were. Thanks to my dad’s epic lack of planning, we all suffered a lot of stress over the next few months until she’d been set up with the proper agencies.
As it turned out, my father’s death was a blessing to my sister. Before he died, she was virtually a shut-in except for when my dad would take her to the Senior Citizen Center. (She’s not a senior citizen, by the way.) She’s now living the life of Reilly, going to the movies, on excursions, to concerts, and more with her head caregiver. And at last she’s been getting proper medical attention (hallelujah). Also, with him gone, I was finally able to write about her injury and life. The piece that was a huge benefit to family, friends and others because many people were in the dark about what had happened to her after her injury.
Losing a parent like my dad was very difficult to process. The fallout of his death had many implications for me that unfolded over the next few months. His death has been echoing in my writing, in both short stories and books. But it definitely hit me hardest during those transits I’d seen.
In December 2013, during the time of the worst transits, my friend Christa Faust lost her father, George, who was my Dad #2. I felt George’s passing more keenly than my own father’s in many ways. A good man left this world when he died. I’ll never forget him and his great big heart. I still miss him, although not nearly as much as Christa does, for sure.
The “Disappearing” Goodness
Remember the “good” transits that I could no longer see? They were there, all right, with events that corresponded appropriately.
To start, I sold my debut novel, Mr. Wicker, to Raw Dog Screaming Press that fall. That book was my entrance into the realm of being a professional novelist, and it would be a beautiful entrance at that.
And then during Thanksgiving Weekend, my blog post “Why I Hate (Most) Photos and Drawings of Women with Swords” went viral. I even got a mention on The Mary Sue. It was a super crazy, exhilarating period. I was stressed out about my sister’s well being, but I was able to draw upon the good things happening for strength.
I look back on the “uplifting” transits at that time, and they’re super obvious. Why didn’t I see them coming? And why wasn’t I seeing anything positive happening when they did?
Depression, The Old Devil
So, yeah. I’d struggled with depression for awhile before 2013 without even realizing it. My view of everything was dimming fast. The bully in my head had a bullhorn. And the fatigue I felt was epic. It wasn’t until I started to get a handle on it in the last few years that I could identify what had been happening back then.
And here’s the thing about living with both depression and anxiety: focusing on the future — via astrology or any other means — makes both conditions worse. It’s too easy to start disasterbating. So, when disasterbating starts, it’s best to step back and focus on the moment.
Looking Inward Instead of Upward
I’m in another phase of my life where I’m not paying as much attention to my transits because I feel information overload. Twitter, Facebook, sometimes even email…all of these platforms are a constant mudslide of anger about how we’re living in The Upside Down. These are far darker times than 2013 without even considering life’s usual slings and arrows. The onslaught of political horrors from the Idiocracy and unchecked corruption is no joke. (Well, maybe sometimes.) And I want to focus on parts of my life that need attention.
So, I don’t really need to look to the stars right now for hope. I need to look inside, to reckon with my personal demons, to enjoy the people in my life, to maintain my health, and to continue my calling as a writer and storyteller. This is the only way I’ll have the strength to be a good ally, responsible citizen, and resilient fighter for what’s right.
That, and snuggling. And I’ll end this post with a visual lesson.